Tuesday, 26 July 2016

December 1st

Is a date I will now never forget.

I'd been to a job in Osaka, I say job, but it was actually a gig being a guinea pig for some face laser machine that I tested for 3 months to see if my white skin would melt under. Thankfully it didn't, and I got my $300 for doing nothing.

Ryota had driven me, because he's useful like that, a pain in the arse at times, but also kind and useful at others.

We got home just in time to pick Bailey up, it was perfect except that I hadn't made dinner and the lazy in me picked up McDonald's much to Bailey's joy, he didn't say it but the look on his face said, "I love you for being a lazy crap mummy, mummy!"

We parked our car in the car park across the street and went to the crossing which has a button you press, wait exactly 7 seconds for the light to change and then cross. I know it's 7 seconds because I'm OCD like that. We've done it hundreds of times, literally hundreds. Bailey always fights with Ash to push the button.

We got to the light and he pushed the button. I relaxed, we've pushed the button, Ty (the third boy!) is strapped to me, dinner in both my hands, Ryota following behind.

And then he pushed the button and didn't stop.

He just kept running.

And literally a million thoughts ran through my head. He's run out!Stop him!Look for cars!Scream!STOP!

And right before my eyes my skinny little baby ran into a car and rolled along the road at a speed that meant I couldn't see his little face, just a blur of lights and his blue jacket.

He rolled 10 metres and I just started wailing. I was like those women who moan when they grieve. Sounds were coming out of my mouth that I didn't even know could.

About 10 army guys from the base next door surrounded us and I remember one saying in English "Maam! He's alive!" Thank God for buff army guys. More than just eye candy.

Monday, 30 May 2016

Well fuck

As usual, life got busy and I stopped blogging!

I have a half legitimate excuse though, I pushed out another human out my minge since my last post.

So three boys it is! A lifetime of fart jokes, balls, stinky feet, moodiness. Sweet!

So yeah, the last little vinegar arrow boy was born last September, he's my favourite. I'll have to delete this blog by the time the other two are tech savvy enough to search for that little tidbit but for now, he's my last little squishy favourite baby.

The middle devil child also got hit by a car in December. It was my fault. I still kind of get mental thinking about it so maybe writing about it will make it better somehow. That's my next goal, I'll need some valium or a tranquilizer dart or something to get through it but I'll try.

Ryota and I are OK. For now. Honestly since the accident I've been giving less and less of a fuck about anything and everything which I'm sure makes me a nightmare to live with but we're surviving. 8 years this summer, who'd have thought we'd get through divorce free!?

Thursday, 11 June 2015

People in glass houses

Shouldn't throw Grandmas. Or small boys. Or anything for that matter...

I never actually realised how much glass there is in old Japanese houses but when you break it down, genkan door, sliding doors, plus all the usual back door and window fuckery.

So last week was just bad when it came to glass, first of all, after being pissed at Grandma over the whole homework thing, I wasn't not talking to her, but I wasn't making my usual small talk. I was happily relaxing at home when I heard a huge crash and glass shattering, I instantly thought a kitchen cabinet had collapsed at Grandmas house and flew up (as fast as a chubby white girl can move anyway, so really not flew but more stomped awkwardly) to see what had happened. Of course Ryota flicked his eyes up once from whatever ridiculous thing he was looking at on the computer and then went back to it despite pretty much all his surviving family members being at Grandma's house. So I get outside and do the two steps to Grandma's front door and see Grandma in a heap on the genkan floor in a bed of chunky glass that had smashed as she crashed through the door. Apparently she'd slipped trying to get up the step and had fallen backwards. Being 87 and all she had no time for balancing and went down into the door, poor old thing. In true Grandma style though she got up and walked away broken bone free and nothing but a little scratch from some glass. So bottom line- the door is fucked, Grandma is fine!

So a few days later I was at work, just finishing up a kids lesson when a happy little 7 year old shouted "Bye Bye Corinne Sensei!!!" and ran to go out the door, would have been fine, only he missed the handle and went straight through the glass door of the school. Fuuuuuucccckkkk. He stood on the other side, his face as white as mine and I thought we'd got out of it unscathed until I looked down to see a massive chunk of glass embedded in his wrist. I'm not too bad with blood, but holy fuck it started pissing out everywhere and I could see some funky shit at the bottom of his cut, it was white and not normal so I sat him down, remembered my American soap watching first aid skills and wrapped a hanky around the cut. Called Ryota AKA Mr Calm in an emergency and then called an ambulance. Now I get fucking nervous on the phone in Japanese when I'm ordering a pizza, so trying to get an ambulance was a whole new level of panic for me, I managed somehow though and after an eternity the little men came in their little ambulance and took the poor kid to hospital. 10 stitches and a new door later and we're sweet again but fuck me, I'm thinking of blocking off all glass, it's just not worth the hassle!

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Fuck it!

Scrap the moving, I thought a new place would help me get bloggy motivated but it just ain't happening. Why? Because I'm err, terribly busy (read lazy).

But in all honesty, my life is just too... good? Boring? for blogging anymore. Nobody wants to read about some chubby gaijin in Japan who spends her days working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with their kid. Rinse repeat every fucking day of the week. But I do miss using my brain, the whole rinse repeat routine is seriously sending me even more into the depths of bimbo-ness than I already was, and I didn't even think that was possible!

So writing, even about the mundane, and occasionally the juicy, is my new-June resolution. Fucking hate May, I'm declaring May the new end of year. June shall be my new start- blogging! Running! Perfect mothering! Ok, I'll be realistic and just stick with more blogging.

An update... Ryota is splitting his time between his landscaping business and being a stay-at-home Daddy. Of course this totally throws the balance of shit out because we're all fucking cave people who can't shake the 'man work- woman stay home' even when it makes total financial sense and saves the sanity of all involved. His male pride seems to take a fair beating every few weeks, as does my maternal instincts and mother's guilt. But despite the hiccups, it is actually working. With the balance thrown off it actually stops us trying to "out-tire" each other, our roles are so different there's just no comparison anymore. Plus I'm finally learning that if your husband says "Fuck me I'm shattered!" Rather than reminding him that 'I am, also, totally fucking, cunting, WAY more shattered than you!!' It's best to give a sympathetic smile and thank him for working so hard. The peace is kept, and sometimes that's all you need.

I'm currently fighting with Great-grandma, I know, she's 87, I shouldn't engage the old thing, she might up and die on us and then I'd feel totally fucking guilty, and that would just be annoying! But really, she assured me that her or dog-fucker (who still lazes around the house all day AT 30 by the way) would be able to help Ash do his homework on days when Ryota and I were both at work, which considering we're normal functioning humans is pretty much every day. So the other day I see Ash fly by the school on  his bike and knew it was way too early for him to be finished homework and came home to discover Grandma had told him he didn't have to do it. I was PISSED. Not that I give a fuck about homework, but we made a rule and there needs to be some consistency or the little bugger will never listen to me. So I yelled at Ash and told him not to listen to Grandma. She then flies in with apron flapping and tells me not to blame other people because I should be there to teach him. Ahhh, first of all, fuck off grandma! And second, it's fine if she can't teach him but the only reason I pulled him out of after school care was because she explicitly said she'd make sure he did his homework.

Anyway, like I said, not going to give her the silent treatment because who knows how long she will be around but apparently dog-fucker heard the whole exchange and is now pissed at me. She was due for a psychotic episode soon so I guess I should wait for the sparks to fly there.

Right, off to do the most exciting thing of my day- walk to the bus stop to pick Ash up from swimming! Aiming for writing only, didn't say it would be that good or exciting!

Thursday, 8 January 2015


Anyone still checking back in here and being bitterly disappointed with my lack of bitter writing, sorry! I'm going to attempt blogging again because I think my brain is turning into something resembling my two-year old's dinner.

Let's Japan

Monday, 3 March 2014


Blogging just isn't happening for me of late is it!?

I still occasionally will stop in though, (like now when a student isn't showing up and I'm bored!) lots has happened since the last post!

*Ryota still isn't talking to his family, which actually kinda suits everyone fine, he doesn't mooch off them for free babysitting, I still go there and chat, the boys still go there... Nothing is really that bad! I'm sure he'll start talking to them again when he needs something, but it's been like 4 months now!!

*BIG news, dog-fucker has left the building!!! 2014 is a good year! She out of the blue a few weeks ago said to me, "I'm going to Thailand!" and I was like, "Cool, sounds fun, get me a fake bag on the way home!" until she explained by 'going' she meant 'living!' As much as I'm happy she's out of my way, I'm actually so much more happy that she's actually having the balls to go out on her own, work, interact with people! So good for her, I'm hoping (and expecting) she'll definitely grow up if she can stick it out there, we may even be friends when she gets back!? OK, probably not, but it just makes me have so much more respect for her already! She's supposed to stay for 2 years, I hope she can do it!

*Since the last post I've been back to Australia for a holiday. 2 lovely weeks of swimming, jogging on the beach, sausage rolls, not giving a fuck about schedules and work. Was so nice, for the first time in a long time I didn't want to come back to Japan at all. Although now I'm here I did miss my own comfy schedule, my inner Japanese person does come at times.

*Ryota and I are going pretty well, although we did have a cracker of an argument yesterday which ended up in him saying to me:
"Get out you fucking cunt!" to which I replied, "No YOU get out, you're the one who doesn't have a job!"...
To be fair to him, he doesn't realise how bad that is to say in English, but he got it once I explained that me attacking his male pride is just as bad as screaming at me to get out and that I'm a cunt. I wasn't backing down and we sorted it in the end anyway!

*Looking forward to April, Spring and the new job opportunities that will be coming what with Ryota starting his own business (aka having no job!) and me working a crazy busy new schedule at various kindergartens and my own school.

Hopefully someone out there is still reading, I promise to try harder to blog!!!

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Chopstick etiquette

I can't believe I didn't write about this!!

I hope someone coming to Japan will look up chopstick etiquette and then get sent here to read all about my ridiculous family and their countless battles...

So, things have been OK since dog fucker and I had the big blow out in summer, but still kinda, tense... It's hard to go back from big fights in my opinion. However, unless I was totally pissed off I'd decided to keep the peace (AKA keep the babysitters) from now on. Ryota made no such promise though and was the one that go into it this time.

I was actually at work so am getting the story from both sides second hand but from what I can tell:
Ryota was looking after the boys while I was working, which for a Japanese dad with family close by pretty much means 20% looking after and 80% going to their parents house while their family looks after the kids. Now usually this is OK, but dog fucker gets cranky about it at random times when she has her knickers in a twist, or she has her period, or she just feels like being a fucker. And fair enough, that's totally her right and would be completely understood in a western country.

So dog fucker had her nose out of joint to begin with as far as I can see. Then they were having dinner and it ended up as Ryota and dog fucker at the table together. Japanese family dinner usually consists of stuff in big bowls that you take stuff from and put on your own little plate, and apparently dog fucker was attacking a giant boiled radish but instead of taking it from the big bowl and putting it on her bowl to cut up and eat, she was cutting it up in the big bowl. Now Ryota pretty much told her to stop being disgusting and take it from the bowl instead of poking her spit-covered choppies and infecting the other radishes. Fuck me, even writing it is so stupid... So dog fucker took real offence to this and told him to fuck off to his own house if he didn't like it. Ryota then let his famous temper go and let rip on her about being a freakish freak who has never had to co-exist with other people, no manners, no social graces blah blah.

This escalated to Ryota hurling some fried chicken at her head and her responding with smashing a plate on the ground. I really wish I had been there if only for the comedic value.
Apparently after that it calmed down a bit and they were just ignoring each other, but about an hour later Ryota was watching telly and dog fucker ended up looking after Bailey and screamed at Ryota to look after his own fucking kid. (or something to that Japanese effect.) Now fair play to her, but still, she's such a bitch that I instantly have to take his side, plus he's supposed to be my life partner and all...

Now the person I feel sorry for is MIL, she was just an innocent bystander, when Ryota asked her who she thought was right, and she sided with dog fucker, or not even sided, but just tried to be diplomatic it seems. Now Ryota refers to them as "the bitch whores" and hasn't talked to either of them in a month. This really doesn't effect me so much except for the times when I want everyone to just piss off out of the house so I can clean it, that just never happens anymore. Lucky I don't clean that often I guess.

Not sure how it will end, Christmas and New year went by with no contact, the next event will be Ash's birthday at the end of this month but I'm guessing we'll probably end up with 2 different parties. Fun and family games!

So please, do be careful with those chopsticks, if you misuse them they may become weapons of mass radish destruction!